Niche EIHG culture: the goop-adjacent moms are buying $9K PEMF mats… 4 their dogs….
hoping my mom's friends don't read this :) :) :)
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a subset of elusive (international) hot girls (EIHGs) and their goop-adjacent moms remain deeeeeeply offended by the way you appropriate their culture in January. Like ohhhh suddenly you’re into wellness? Do you even know what PEMF stands for??? Exactly. Their lifestyle is NOT ur costume, Jessica!!!!! (sorry 2 anyone named Jessica).
Whatever side of the fence you’re on (idc) — I have some hardcore Health is Wealth reporting 4 U. Today, we’re spilling some gatekept intel into what the goop-adjacent MOMS (of our fave EIHGs) were chatting about in their group chats over the holiday’s. BTW — they use a dizzying amount of emojis, which made my head hurt to read….. just so u know that I really committed to full method.
Also, last note, I STG do not come here with any delusions that these women are MAHA, etc. Before that nonsense — there was goop, and if they must choose, that is the altar they inadvertently worship (read: goop Adjacent!). They find that whole seed oil discourse to be very yawn and very pedestrian, anyway….. like what is this, 1988?
If you want to be a goop adjacent mom, then you’ll need the golden ticket: an in with the wellness sage of your community. Access is usually gatekept more than the best SA at your local Hermes, and even your fave integrative/holistic physician trusts them. Knowledge on their speciality is encyclopedic. And if they don’t use the word “download” (or similar) at least once during a long chat, probably not the Real Deal. Usually a she (Mother Earth vibes) but sometimes a he (grandfatherly sage vibes), they’ll be in their 60s to 70s and have been zany (borderline m@n!c) about natural wellness for at least 40-50 years. Unclear if they have friends.. or family. But they have crystals, palo santo, and flower essences!
When in their tiny shop, they’re usually barefoot. Actually… they’re barefoot on any natural surface (grass, sand, mud, etc.)… to recharge … didn’t you know that the earth’s electromagnetic charge
is dipping? More on that later! Anyway, if you spend enough time with them, they’ll also casually share how they’ve cured themselves of at least one terminal illness with a series of unnamed potions. Zany! But necessary! Wishing you luck in your journey to find one, and remember that u can always take what they say with a grain of salt (no, you don’t have to buy a frequency blocker for ur cellphone).
Raw milk is classist! and (hate to say it, but per goop adjacent moms…) only chic if you get it delivered fresh from a farm near you.. daily. Apparently, the whole point of raw milk is that you’re supposed to toss what you don’t use, or worst case, boil it for the next day.. and then toss it. Listeria comes when u buy it from erewhon or happier like a fckn idiot. To be incredibly safe, once it’s left the cow, this stuff reaalllyyy shouldn’t sit around for more than 48ish hours, and you need to be sure it was refrigerated properly etc etc etc. Like the vibes are straight from the utter 2 ur cereal, or else get real comfy w pasteurization :) —> don’t shoot the messenger. I am but a channel. BTW, this is holistic physician approved.
There’s a new migraine potion going around… it’s the new cr8ck. niche. apparently it works (I procured a bottle for research, but haven’t tried yet.. why am I scared? like mummy come pick me up!)
At home massages are not novel. But having an at home intravenous IV appointment (they’re still on NAD+ btw) followed by an at home sound bath (like practitioners who bring the full set up — minimum 5 singing bowls, and ideally a gong)?? Big time. This combo is apparently on the rise….
Bohindi sells the best sage and palo santo. Chic af as a gift. No housewarming candles in 2025, they’re doing cleansing wands.
Perhaps maybe why you’re here… PEMF mats are def still in, but only the ones that mirror the earth’s electromagnetic currents (sorry 2 say… the crystal ones are out). Apparently this is a contributing factor to why people are baseline fatigued, and struggling to enter parasympathetic when they meditate. (I DON’T KNOW — DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER). Anyway, apparently goop adjacent moms are not only buying the mat for their EIHG daughters… they’re also buying the mat…. for their dogs. At $9K x 3 to feel a molecule closer to God? Consider me sold. And didn’t you hear? This one will even infuse solfeggio frequencies into your cells while you nap…. i said GOOP didn’t I!!!!!!!!!
Lucky number 7. Slightly off topic, but on the topic of $27K being light work…….. We must talk about how goop adjacent moms feel about the Walmart birkin. Spoiler: they are THRILLED !!!!! Everyone seems to agree that it’s weird that ppl are mad or claiming this is the day the birkin died. From what I’m hearing, it’s actually the opposite. This culture thrives on, “is it Amazon… or is it Alaia.” So why wouldn’t they revel in the inside joke of the general public mistaking her very authentic b30 as a very well executed Walmart dupe? The main question being asked is — do we think this means it’ll be safe to wear mine around again?? Inconspicuousness is driving this next wave of hedonism core — I keeeeep telling u!!!! Direct relation between the Walmart birkin and ppl ringing their SAs again…. I love watching this sport.
Alright, I’ve said too much of the silent part out loud for one day (or maybe a year…). I’d love to know what the goop adjacents in ur life are frothing over in the new year???? Any overlap??? LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
Talk fri for some shoooppingggg and more yapping (did we leave that word in 2024? lmk, my gen alpha-cusp brother hasn’t texted me back…..) <3
TM x
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This is the investigative journalism we don’t get anywhere else
Jessica gets no respect